My obtuse–but hopefully entertainingly colorful–post back in November, The Gut-Punches of Life, gets an addendum.
We took another series of punches-to-the-face starting in January, but we’re in recovery now. Things might even be looking up. Which, yes, makes us increasingly nervous.
Next month marks 2 years since [redacted].
I’m just fucking tired. Tired of all the responsibility. Tired of making things work. Tired of pushing forward day after fucking day.
Almost tired enough to punt the garden this year. Even tho I already have several dozen seedlings (tomatoes, peppers, various flowers and herbs). I thought once I had the seeds started and they had sprouted I would feel better. But all it did was add to the load.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy is pulling me forward, tho. I’ve slowly been getting the garden infrastructure re-assembled. I’ll have the irrigation set up soon. I’ll scatter sunflowers and wildflowers around the front lawn. Get the lawn mowed (around the wildflowers, of course). And get the seedlings transplanted.
I’m not promising to do any other planting this year, tho. Maybe I’ll feel more in the spirit of things come the middle of May.
I love my garden. I love fresh tomatoes and cucumbers. I love seeing the bees and wasps and butterflies buzzing around the zinnias and marigolds and sunflowers. I enjoy the challenge of trying new plants.
But this year it just feels like one more thing on my list that I have to take care of, and I’m tired.
<deep breath>
I’ll survive. The garden will … maybe not thrive, but at least grow and be pretty, and we can have BLTs with homegrown tomatoes on homemade bread come July. Something to look forward to.
And that’s what I think I need more of: Things to look forward to.
-David